I can't freeze time... and a big decision made. Basic ramblings.

My chubber buggie is 6 years old. He's mostly done with his kindergarten curriculum, a week left in reading/phonics and he have completed all his "mandatory" level K (and then some) work. This year has been.... interesting to say the least. I remember being petrified at the start of the school year, wondering how on earth I could ever teach Aidan anything. But... as the school year comes to a close and I look back on the year I am SO thankful for the decision I made.

The first semester-August-January was mostly awesome, we had a set routine, we both knew what to expect, and I was on top of lessons planning. Oh, and Asher was still napping. This second semester, basically since we've been back from Russia has been... less then stellar, and pretty much a constant struggle. We lost our routine, I can't seem to stay up to date on lesson plans, Asher WILL NOT cooperate unless I stick him in front of the television for 2-3 hours (because he no longer naps). Aidan has lost his focus and I've lost my patience. We went from doing daily Prayer, Pledges, Bible, History/Social Studies, English and Math, with a Science Experiment the first semester, to English and Math this second semester. Pretty much I feel like a failure this semester. Darren tries to remind me that we've had A LOT going on, Asher has had ear infection after ear infection which doesn't help anything, we had our amazing paper chase going on for the adoption dossier, but still I feel like a lousey mom and teacher. In fact I feel like I deserve the "most screamy mom" award for the last 5 months.

At the same time I look back and see, despite my feeling like an absolute loser Aidan has learned soooooooooo much! His reading astounds me, and he'll read anything and everything he can get his hands on, including his daddy's Greek text book. His math skills are impressive (I'll post more about all he's learned in the weeks to come) and his desire to learn new things and ask CONSTANT questions never cease to amaze me. And so I am so thankful I had the time, ability and opportunity to be the one who taught him to read, do math, learn about his forefathers, instruct him in the Word, teach and instill the Creation account.... and if I had been able to keep trucking along as we had the first semester, maybe making a decision about what to do next year wouldn't be so painfully difficult because I would have felt like we ended our homeschool relationship on a good note. But, instead I feel like I failed him, and Asher (because I'd get so fed up his constant interuptions and fussing, that I feel like I did nothing but yell, yell and... yell) for that matter. Because of that I feel like we're ending the year on a bad note and am afraid it's full of nothing but memories of me screaming at them. Sigh.

I don't want to send Aidan to school next year, I want to keep him home with me. But the more time I spend really thinking about what is the best decision I can make for him, the more I take into account his personality and how he functions, the more I consider Asher and add him into the equation, the more I am convinced that the best option for us is to send Aidan to school, and I HATE that. Literally, I HATE it. Oh the school he will attend is GREAT, full of Godly teachers and Christ centered curriculum, but he'll be so far away. AND I'm afraid he'll like his teachers and new school more then me... pretty selfish huh?
But again, I think about it and take into consideration that Aidan THRIVES on a schedule and consistent routine, something that Asher makes near impossible to maintain. Aidan loves to learn and absorb as much information as possible and he's incredibly social. I also take into consideration that Asher is super clingy and needy right now, does NOT like to be left alone, WILL NOT entertain himself and in all honesty I really think he needs some one on one with mom... between the adoption paperwork and time spent with Aidan I know he's "suffered" the effects, so having time to devote to JUST him will be good for the both of us I think.

Then I think, well, if what our facilitator tells us is true, and that we can expect to have a hearing (not sure if he means be assigned a court date, or actually be IN Court) in 4-5 months, then there really is no option but to send Aidan to school, as I'll be gone for 2-3 months. Also something I am feeling incredibly guilty about. But... having had Aidan need medical care during our trip in January, made me realize that I want the boys in the US for just that reason-I would want them to have access to Western medicine and Dr's they are familiar with. Plus when I return, they'll be so many changes that I think it will be VERY GOOD for Aidan to have something separate to call his own... and the time he's in school I can spend with V working with him, and also working with Asher.

Aidan was my first baby though, so maybe I shouldn't be so surprised at how difficult it is to "let him go". I told Darren last night it feels like this is the "beginning of the end"... He said "wow, your a glass half empty kinda girl". Ha. I guess I am, it's just hard to watch my baby grow up... and he's doing it so quickly.